


A Beek Full of Love

by thinlizzy2



Category: Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-04 13:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1780216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlizzy2/pseuds/thinlizzy2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James, Chloe and June try to select the contestants for James' new reality dating show.  It goes about as well as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Beek Full of Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Diaphenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/gifts).



> Written for Diaphenia for Night On Fic Mountain 2014. I started with your prompt for James taking the women along on his new show, but it kind of went in a different direction. I hope you like the results anyway!

June had got used to coming home to all kinds of weirdness since she had moved in with Chloe, so finding her roommate sitting on the floor with James Van Der Beek, several dozens of photos and a half empty bottle of tequila almost qualified as refreshing normalcy. That was, until she picked up one of the pictures to take a look.

"This woman is _naked_ ", she gasped, dropping the 8x10 glossy as if it was burning her fingers. "And this one too, and her… okay, there's no way those are real. What's going on here?" A horrible thought occurred to her. "You two aren't picking out partners for threesomes or something, are you?"

Chloe snorted. "Please. You know all my threesomes are guy-girl-guy. We're casting James' new reality show, that's all."

"It's called _A Beek Full of Love_." James smiled rather drunkenly up at June. "Every week, I give the women paddles, which means they're still rowing up my romance creek. Except for one who gets a rock. Her chances of love are officially sunk, and she has to leave the show. At the end, there's one woman left, and she gets to sleep with me or be engaged to me for a while or something. I can't quite remember what the producers decided." He took a swig from the bottle.

June's brow furrowed. "Is this really the kind of decision you should be making drunk, James? We're talking about possibly your future wife here!"

"No worries." Chloe waved a dismissive hand. "We're nowhere near as think as you drunk we are."

June snagged the tequila and headed for the kitchen, sliding it up onto a high shelf. "I'll make coffee."

The other two called after her in unison. "Make mine Irish!"

"We've already cast the hot blonde", Chloe explained once June had slid the coffees and an additional plate of cookies in front of them. Those would soak up some of the booze, and June could only ever get them to eat solids when they'd been drinking so she had learned to take every opportunity. "And the hot brunette and the alternative hot brunette." 

She handed June photos of stuinning girls who looked almost identical except for vague variations in hair colour and a tiny mole on the cheek of the 'alternative'. "Gross, huh?" Chloe shuddered. "Splotch-face." She turned to James. "Make sure she goes early; I don't want to watch you macking on deformed people on my TV for ten weeks."

"The very first week", James promised.

Chloe continued. "Plus we've done the token hot ethnic girl and the token hot redhead, at least as far as redheads are ever hot."

"She goes in the second week", James vowed. "Fire-crotches scare me. I always worry the pigment might rub off."

June stared at him. "You… you know that's not a thing that happens, right?"

"So we're working on the slutty one now." Chloe studied the last naked girl June had looked at with a critical eye. "You're sure these aren't real?"

June nodded. "I took advanced placement biology all the way through high school. There's no way. Plus…" She trailed off. She hated to speak badly about anyone, but she cared about James and couldn't just let him walk into a dangerous situation. "Plus, she looks kind of… unstable."

"Eyes full of crazy, right? Total wig-snatcher." Chloe grinned triumphantly. "I thought so too. She's the one, James!"

"Put her on the pile." James took a big bite out of a cookie. "These are really good, June. Did you make them?"

"I did." June handed him a napkin. "I couldn't remember if you're still being gluten intolerant, so I used special flour."

"No, I'm vegan this week." James' face fell as he cast a suspicious glance at the cookie.

"I anticipated that." June beamed proudly. "Almond milk and egg substitutes."

"You're the best." James stuffed what was left of the first cookie in his mouth and reached for another.

"Focus!" Chloe snapped her fingers in his face. "We're working here! We still need to find the Katie Holmes look-alike." 

"My producers want to wait on that", James explained. "Until we can find out if Katie Holmes is actually available."

"Then we need the one with the tragic past."

"They want to see if Michelle Williams will do it."

"Oh God." June felt her lower lip starting to tremble. "I _worry_ about her."

"I know, right?" Chloe rubbed her hands together in anticipation. "It would be amazing TV. If they get her, James, try to keep her around until the semi-finals but remember not to actually pick her. Then maybe you can get an executive producer credit if they give her a spin-off."

"James van der Beek… _PRODUCER_." James nodded sagely. "You know, I've been thinking about moving behind the camera. The thing is though, can I really deprive the public of this face?"

"You could do it, James." June smiled at him encouragingly. "Not the face thing, I mean, the producing. But would you really want it to be on something like this? Shouldn't you be aiming to produce Shakespeare or something like that?"

"Snoozeville!" Chloe rolled her eyes. "Does Shakespeare stuff even _have_ producers? Seriously, June, when the last time you even went to a Shakespeare play?"

"...eighth grade."

"Exactly! This kind of show is what people are watching _now._ " She turned back to James. "Okay, now we need a MILF. Someone a bit older, a carer-type, but still fuckable. Bonus if she has a cute kid you can cozy up to." She gestured at the photos. "Did you like any of these?"

"Hmm…" James chewed his lip thoughtfully. "June, what's your mom up to these days?"

"Being married to my dad!"

"Happily?"

"We'll call her", Chloe declared. "What?" She asked, as June shot her an outraged look. "If she doesn't want to do it, she can just say no."

"Okay, that's nine. We need one more. What's left?" James asked.

"A wildcard", Chloe responded. "Someone who's not so easily classifiable, so that the idiots watching at home think that your show is somehow different from all the other clones out there. How about a lesbian that you could try to convert?"

"That might be offensive." James fretted. "What about an ex-lesbian, who I could try to convert _back?_ "

"An amputee", Chloe offered. "Has any show done an amputee yet? Or maybe an ex-con? Catfights are always good for ratings."

"Stop it!" June couldn't stand it anymore. "James, all of this is ridiculous, but if you're going to go through with it, at least give yourself a shot at actually finding love. Pick at least one girl who could actually care about you, and who wants to _take_ care of you. You know what I mean - someone who believes in your career and knows you're still capable of doing something great. Pick a real girl, someone flawed but smart and kind, and give her your last spot. Why not?"

There was a long pause. And then the other two burst out laughing. 

"Come on, June!" James replied. "Do girls like that even exist?"


End file.
